The Worst Mistake You Can Make If You Aren’t Sleeping

We’ve all been there at some point...

Lying awake at 3am, staring at the ceiling, replaying conversations, mentally writing tomorrow’s to-do list, or negotiating with ourselves that if we fall asleep now, we’ll get exactly 3 hours and 37 minutes…

But here’s the thing most people do when they can’t sleep (and it’s the worst possible mistake):

--> They try harder to sleep <--

Wait! What?

That sounds backwards, right? Because we’ve been taught since we were kids that if we want to get better at something, we just need to practise - try harder, push more, focus.

So naturally, when sleep doesn’t come we start Googling ‘sleep hacks,’ forcing ourselves to just relax, or repeatedly tell ourselves ‘I have to sleep or I’ll be a wreck tomorrow.’

And right there, in that moment, the brain switches from slightly stressed to full-blown SURVIVAL MODE.

The Science Behind This

When you’re lying there worrying about not sleeping, your brain isn’t resting.

Sure, your body might be still as you're desperately trying to switch off… but the more pressure you put on yourself to sleep, the more your brain is gearing up for action.

Enter the amygdala - the part of the brain responsible for the 'fight-or-flight' response. When it senses a threat - real or imagined - it starts scanning for danger.

The problem? It can’t tell that the ‘danger’ is actually just tomorrow’s meeting, or that awkward conversation you had two years ago where you might have offended your sister-in-law.

But here’s the catch: your brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined.

So when you play through those uncomfortable moments or run worst-case scenarios about the future (and let’s be honest, it’s rarely the positive ones we dwell on!), your brain responds as if it’s all happening RIGHT NOW.

(And again, we rarely think about these scenarios once or twice. Oh no, we go full blown Netflix mode: four seasons, multiple plot twists, and a special finale of every worst-case scenario imaginable.)

But here’s the thing, when we’re stressed, our body releases cortisol and adrenaline - hormones that prepare the body for action. And they make it biologically impossible to drift off peacefully.

That’s because your brain and body aren’t reacting to just an unpleasant conversation or tomorrow’s slightly uncomfortable meeting. Nope! It’s reacting as if there was a sabre-tooth tiger in the room with you. And if you were sharing a room with one, I think we can both agree that you certainly would not be sleeping!

It’s a frustrating cycle: lack of sleep raises stress hormones and stress hormones make it harder sleep.

Research from the National Institutes of Health backs this up, showing that sleep deprivation disrupts the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain that helps with rational thinking, decision-making and emotional regulation. So when you’re overtired, you’re not just exhausted, you’re also more reactive, less focused and more likely to spiral into negative thinking.

Why Sleep Isn’t Just ‘Nice to Have’ But a Necessity

Even though you switch off when you’re a asleep, your brain is actually still working hard in the background. In fact, your brain is working the night shift by sorting out memories, processing emotions and clearing out metabolic waste.

Think of it like a nightly mental declutter. When you skip sleep, that ‘stress bucket’ - filled with all the worries, stresses and emotional clutter from the day - starts to overflow. (You can read more about the stress bucket here.)

And when it does, you feel more anxious (cue the negative thoughts), crave more high-fat or sugary foods, lose motivation, and your ability to focus takes a serious hit.

Fascinating research from Harvard that found that even one night of poor sleep ramps up the activity in the amygdala (your brain’s danger detector), while dialling down the prefrontal cortex - the part that helps you stay calm and rational.

So if you’re snapping at people, forgetting things, or feeling like your nerves are on high alert, it’s your tired brain waving a big, exhausted flag for help.

But here’s the thing… most of us respond in the wrong way

Instead of giving ourselves compassion, we go straight to judgement mode. We beat ourselves up for not sleeping enough, not functioning well enough, not doing enough. But that pressure only adds another layer stress (and we’re back to the sabre-tooth tiger in the room situation again…)

Because the real issue isn’t the lack of sleep itself...

The Real Mistake Isn't How Much You Sleep (Or Don't)

Because the real issue isn't the lack of sleep itself - it's how you respond to it.

When we label ourselves as a ‘bad sleeper’ or catastrophise with thoughts like ‘I’ll never get through tomorrow’ or ‘Why can’t I just sleep like a normal person?’ we unintentionally reinforce the very stress response that keeps us awake.

Your brain, ever loyal, starts to associate your bed with frustration, instead of rest. Over time, even the act of pulling back your sheets or turning off the light can cue familiar anxiety. It’s your bodies way of saying, ‘Here we go again!’

The good news?

This conditioning isn’t permanent. Just as your brain learned to link your bed with stress, it can just as easily learn to associate it with calm, safety and rest.

Simple, Science-Backed Shifts

You can’t force sleep but you can create the best conditions for it.

Here are a few simple, science-backed shifts that can make a surprisingly big difference:

1. Ditch the ‘try harder’ mindset

   Sleep isn’t something you do - it’s something that happens when your body feels safe enough to switch off. So instead of focusing on falling asleep, focus on winding down.

   
   

2. Create a buffer zone

   Give yourself at least an hour (ideally two) before bed where you dim the lights, step away from screens and do something that signals ‘rest’ (e.g. reading, journalling, stretching or listening to something calming). You’re essentially telling your nervous system that it’s safe to power down.

3. Keep your nervous system calm during the day

   What happens during the day doesn’t magically disappear come the evening. If your stress bucket is already overflowing from work, social pressure or endless doom-scrolling, it’s going to spill over when you finally lie down at night. Even small resets matter: a 10 minute walk, a few slow breaths or taking a mindful pause to do something you enjoy. They all signal safety to the brain, helping your system regulate before bedtime arrives.

4. Stop clock-watching

   Checking the time at 2:13am (and then again at 2:37am, 3:07…) does nothing but fuel anxiety. If you’re awake, remind yourself that ‘resting is still recovery.’

   
   

   According to Dr Matthew Walker, a leading sleep researcher and author or Why We Sleep, even lying still with your eyes closed allows your body to recuperate. In fact, Walker, recommends removing clocks entirely from the bedroom to reduce that pressure to ‘perform’ sleep.

Better sleep doesn’t start with trying harder, it starts with creating safety. By shifting your mindset, soothing your nervous system, and giving your brain the right cues, you allow your body to do what it is deigned to do: rest, repair and reset.

And if you’ve spent years battling with sleep, please know this: your brain can relearn how to switch off. It just needs the right kind of support.

How Solution Focused Hypnotherapy Helps

In sessions, we focus on retraining the brain to move away from the stress response and back into calm. Using gentle relaxation and positive visualisation, my clients are able to make changes to their habits easier and they learn how to access the part of the mind that helps them to switch off naturally.

Solution Focused Hypnotherapy works with the subconscious - the part of the brain that controls approximately 95% our thoughts, feelings and behaviours - so you can rebuild that positive association with bedtime. And over time, your mind begins to recognise that your bed is a place of calm and safety, not chaos.

I also provide each clients with a specially designed sleep audio to listen to at home. It helps slow racing thoughts, ease overthinking and create that deep sense of safety that allows real rest - and therefore sleep - to happen.

Because good sleep isn’t a luxury, it’s the foundation for everything else - your mood, focus, energy and overall wellbeing. And when your brain feels safe, sleep isn’t something you chase, it’s something that happens naturally.

Click here to find out more about Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and get in touch