If you have come across this blog post seeking help for separation anxiety, then chances are you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and maybe even a little heartbroken. Watching your child struggle with intense emotions every time you leave - even for a moment - can be incredibly tough.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a natural part of childhood development and typically begins at around eight months, peaks in intensity between 10 and 18 months, then generally resolves itself by the age of 2.
Tears, tantrums, clinging to a parent or caregiver or having difficulty settling down after separation are common signs of separation anxiety.
While most children will grow out of this type of anxiety by the time they are ready for pre-school, for some it can linger for a lot longer.
In fact about 3% of children will continue to experience separation anxiety in primary school. And it may come as a surprise, but the percentage actually increases in the teenage years, with about 8% of teens aged 13+ experiencing this form of anxiety.
If your child or teen struggles with separation anxiety, it can create daily challenges and struggles, which impacts not only your child’s mental health, but the whole family's too.
Understanding the neuroscience behind the cause of seperation anxiety and learning effective coping strategies can help ease the experience for both you and your child.
When Separation Anxiety Persists Beyond Early Childhood
While most children will grow out of this type of anxiety by the time they are ready for pre-school, it can become more concerning if it persists beyond the expected developmental stage.
While some level of anxiety is normal during transitions or big life changes, ongoing separation anxiety in older children can be more disruptive. If a child over the age of 6 continues to experience extreme distress when separated from a parent or caregiver, it may indicate Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) or a related anxiety condition.
Signs that separation anxiety may be beyond normal include:
Anticipatory anxiety about the separation – such as a child expressing fear or worry about the upcoming separation.
Persistent fear that something bad will happen to the parent or child during separation.
Excessive worrying about school drop-offs, sleepovers, or staying with other caregivers.
Complainign fo frequent physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches when faced with separation.
Difficulty sleeping alone.
School avoidance or refusal.
Avoiding social activities and gatherings that may mean time away from home.
Requiring excessive reassurance about schedules, plans, or the whereabouts of a parent.
Panic attacks.
Checking behaviours - such as frequent texting or phone calls to loved ones to make sure they’re safe or to check their location.
Why Do Children Experience Separation Anxiety?
Anxiety stems from the amygdala, the brain’s threat detection centre. When a young child is separated from their primary caregiver, the amygdala may perceive this as a danger, triggering a 'fight or flight' response. This reaction is an evolutionary mechanism designed to keep infants close to their caregivers for safety.
In some older children, this system remains highly sensitive, causing exaggerated distress when faced with separation.
The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for our rational thinking and emotional regulation, is still developing in children and won’t be fully developed until around the age of 25). With less intellectual control over their impulses and emotions, children are more likely to react instinctively rather than logically in challenging situations. Their ability to assess risks, consider long-term consequences, and regulate strong emotions is still maturing, making them more prone to impulsive decisions, emotional outbursts, and seemingly irrational behaviour.
When they are feeling anxious the ‘survival’ part of their brain is switched on, setting the alarm off in their amygdala and flooding their little body with adrenaline and cortisol, which are stress chemicals. They go from being a usually sweet and loving child and turning into the ‘likings of a feral animal’ (actual words one parent used to describe their child during a consultation).
It’s important to recognise that your child is not trying to be difficult or naughty. They are experiencing something that is making them feel unsafe or scared. And here’s the thing, in survival mode, it’s natural that you would want to be close to your ‘safe’ person.
Additionally, low serotonin levels can play a role in anxiety. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, and when levels are low, children may find it harder to feel calm and secure.
Coping as a Parent
I want to firstly say that you are not alone.
I was prompted to write this blog post having received 5 enquiries in the last couple of weeks from desperate parents seeking help for their children.
As a parent, watching your child - regardless of their age - struggle with seperation anxiety can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. You might feel frustrated, exhausted, or even guilty.
It’s important to remember that your child’s anxiety is not a reflection of your parenting skills - it is an intense emotional response that, with the right support, can be managed effectively.
Self-compassion is key as you navigate this journey.
Tips to Help Your Child Cope with Separation Anxiety
Let me be quite honest with you – there is no quick fix when it comes to separation anxiety. Every child is different and the key thing to successfully eradicating this anxiety is to gradually build your child’s sense of security and confidence.
Here are some strategies to help ease the transition:
Make goodbyes quick - Remain calm even if your child appears anxious and dysregulated. It will be tempting to linger for a moment during goodbyes and check that they are ok, but this will likely reinforce your child’s anxiety.
Validate their feelings – Acknowledging anxiety helps calm the amygdala, reducing the 'fight-or-flight' response. Let your child know their worries are valid, while also reassuring them that they can manage this short separation. Validating this will help to them to know that you believe in their ability to overcome these challenging and uncomfortable feelings.
Encourage problem-solving – We want to get your child back into the intellectual prefrontal cortex, which is much better at rationalising. You can do this by helping your child develop coping strategies such as deep breathing exercises, visualisation, or using positive self-talk when they feel anxious.
Establish predictability – The brain thrives on routine. Creating a structured schedule and clear expectations for separations can help reduce uncertainty and lower stress levels.
Foster independence – Encouraging small acts of independence strengthens the brain’s ability to handle separation. Offer responsibilities, choices and opportunities for self-reliance in everyday tasks. And then lots of praise when they do these independent acts.
Use relaxation techniques – Practicing relaxation activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calming side of our nervous system that counters anxiety. Techniques such as mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing can help regulate the stress responses.
Encourage serotonin-boosting activities – Serotonin helps promote feelings of well-being and security and will help your child get back into the rational prefrontal cortex. Encourage activities like outdoor play (sunlight increases serotonin), exercise, creative hobbies, and social connections to help balance brain chemistry.
Shift the focus from separation to connection – Talk about what will happen next time you see them (e.g. you get to hear all about the lovely things they have been up to, you’ll make breakfast together or spend some quality time doing something they enjoy). This helps them to visualise a positive outcome, reassure them that you will be back, and give a little boost of serotonin.
Help lower Stress throughout the day – A child who is already overwhelmed will struggle more with separation. Ensuring downtime, limiting overstimulation from devices and light, and incorporating relaxation techniques throughout the day can help reduce baseline stress levels.
Separation Anxiety at Night
Nighttime separation anxiety can manifest as fear of being alone, nightmares or reluctance to sleep without a parent nearby. Nighttime can feel particularly overwhelming because the distractions of the day fade away, leaving room for anxious thoughts to surface.
The brain's limbic system, which includes the amygdala, can become more active in the dark, heightening feelings of fear and distress. Children may express their anxiety by delaying bedtime, refusing to sleep alone, or frequently waking and seeking reassurance.
This can lead to sleep deprivation, which in turn increases stress and makes it harder for the brain to regulate emotions effectively. Over time, repeated stressful bedtimes can reinforce a child’s need for reassurance, creating a vicious cycle in that they come to rely on a parent’s presence to calm down and feel safe enough to sleep.
To help ease nighttime anxiety, the above tips will help but here are some additional tools:
Having a consistent bedtime routine – This will differ from child to child but generally will include a consistent bedtime, a calming activity before bed (like reading, listening to a guided relaxation or journalling) and avoiding electronic devices.
Creating a safe space – This may include a night light (but only if they are very dim) and leaving the bedroom door open a little. Avoid having the room too brightly lit, because this can interfere with the natural production of melatonin (a sleep-inducing chemical) in the brain.
Gradual withdrawal – Gradually reduce the amount of time you spend in your child’s bedroom, helping them to develop a sense of confidence, independence and security in their ability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own.
If you currently stay in the room with your child until they fall asleep, you can start by sitting in a chair next to the bed. Then each night move the chair closer to the door until eventually you are out of the room. You may then sit outside the room for a set time each night, moving further away over time.
You can agreed that you will check in with your child regularly. This may be every 15 minutes to start with, but then leaving more time in between checks.
This approach takes time and patience (and at times you may feel like you have taken one step forwards and two steps back) but with perseverance the results will be worth it. The brain adapts through neuroplasticity, meaning repeated exposure to mild, manageable separations can help rewire anxious responses over time.
If your child wakes in the night - Avoid switching on the ‘big’ light, in a calm voice offer reassurance and set clear boundaries that you stick to (e.g. 'Let’s have a hug here in bed then I’ll tuck you in again and go back to my own bed').
I know you’re exhausted and emotionally drained…
But try to be patient.
I know that these tips read easy but applying them consistently can feel like a challenge, especially when you’re functioning on very little sleep and patience yourself.
When we’re operating from a calmer and more confident perspective (we're in our own intellectual brain!), children will notice this and this helps reassure their survival brain (a.k.a the amygdala) that they are safe.
This is why I often work with parents to support them, to support their children.
How Solution Focused Hypnotherapy Can Help
If your child expresses a desire to manage their anxiety, Solution Focused Hypnotherapy can help them develop a calmer, more resilient mindset.
The approach focuses on reducing excessive stress responses in the brain and reinforcing positive coping mechanisms, allowing children to feel more secure during separations. (Click here for more information about how Solution Focused Hypnotherapy works with children and young adults)
However, if a child is resistant to change, Solution Focused Hypnotherapy can still be incredibly beneficial - for you, as the parent.
As I mentioned above, a child’s brain isn’t as developed as an adult brain so they may not recognise that their reaction is an issue, and so they might not actively want to seek change.
However, by helping you manage your own stress, regulate your emotions, and approach separations with confidence, I can help equip you with the strategies to create a more positive and reassuring environment and ultimately ease your child’s anxiety over time.
Separation anxiety in older children is more common than many parents realise, but it can be managed effectively with patience, consistency, and the right support. Whether through practical strategies or the calming effects of Solution Focused Hypnotherapy, both children and parents can find relief.
If you are struggling with your child’s separation anxiety, remember - you are not alone, and help is available to make the journey smoother for both you and your child.
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